Good morning my sweethearts.

I intensely dislike bitter people. I hate talking to them...their bitterness and failure to get over whatever it was that caused the bitterness in the first place just permeates their entire being- flavours everything they say- it's terrible. And you feel all choked up inside because the negative sentiment is just so so tangible. I try to stay away from them. I was just saying to someone last night (at the party- I had fun. Good to catch up with people and hang out!) that I wasn't that interested in pursuing (or attempting to maintain) a friendship with a mutual friend because she was just bitter and I didn't want to be around her. (I know, it sounds terrible of me...)

So it's sobering to think that I might end up like one of those people if I don't deal with all this anger. It's horrible!! I feel like I'm festering!! My mum has to go for some scan test thing at the hospital today at 3pm. And I have to be at Pymble (on the other side of Sydney) by 6pm. So I was asking her about what time we'd finish there because I was trying to work out whether I'd get there in time. And I got this whole tirade about how my mum should be my priority and how there were heaps of other people offering to take her and how I didn't even offer......oh God, honestly, I'm hanging by a thread here. (**You would not believe how many times I have been reduced to tears in front of the computer screen...it''s pathetic, but what can you do??**)

I used to say often (much to the annoyance of those around me!) that every joke has a grain of truth. Well a few of us have this running joke that we should use "Fear, Guilt & Shame" to "motivate" the kids in our youth group. But seriously...I feel each one of those elements making its presence felt in my life and I feel like I'm so so so weighed down. This is the antithesis of the "Victorious Christian Life!". Maybe I should quit leading. Pfffffft.

Oh, I am a bag of issues. Oh, I need to deal with them. Oh, I'm leaky like a bucket with a hole. Oh, I should really stop pitying myself and do something about this.

It's funny how the people you love the most and the people who are supposed to love you are always the ones who give you the least credit. Maybe it's because they know stuff that no one else knows. Sigh.

Ok such meditations are getting me depressed and are making my cry even more so I think I'll stop there.

Goodbye.