Awkwidity

I feel myself becoming more and more socially awkward these days, and I don't know why.

Symptom I
I go up to people to chat with them, and run out of things to say, and the conversations awkwardly peters out, and I'm left with the dilemma of wanting to get away but having no gracious exit strategy. The importance of having a drink at socially awkward times cannot be underestimated. I take sips of my drink to cover up the fact that I have run out of things to say- "Oh, I'm not just standing here with nothing more to say to you...I DO have stuff to say to you! I'm just quenching my thirst and readying myself for another round of witty repartee!". (I was at a 21st last night (one of the last ones I'll go to in my life I think!) and had more of those moments than I care to recall. It was really uncomfortable.)

Symptom II
When I finally cannot think of ANY MORE BLOODY SMALL TALK AT ALL, ARGH! and decide to bail, or when conversation parter bails on me, I get that awkward "between conversation partners" moment where I'm just standing there and have to do my best to look like I am standing alone on purpose. Again, a drink, or the food table, is my best friend in such scenarios. (Note: the attitude while clutching a drink is "Oh goodness, being the life of this party is SUCH thirsty work. I need to take a break!". The attitude while striding confidently to the food table is "Just grabbing a bite before I deal with the next person in line clamouring for my attention!"

Symptom III
After going through the fake-on-purpose-aloneness, it's time to find another conversation partner. Once target is selected, I try and do the gracious sidle up along side them and find an appropriate point in the conversation to enter into it. Unfortunately, more often than not, I either (a) crash into the conversation awkwardly (there's that word again. I love it- it's...onomatapoeic, but not in it's sound, but in it's look...the K juxtaposed with the W...and the 2 W's...so awkward looking!!), or (b) stand there silently waiting for the entry point that never comes. Thus, I stand in SILENCE, like a DOLT, sipping away at my drink, trying again to show all the world that, "Yes, I am standing here silently on the outskirts of this conversation ON PURPOSE, CAN'T YOU SEE???". Yuck.

Symptom IV
I've lost my ability to banter wittily. When someone tries to engage me in it, I usually screw it all up by (a) misunderstanding a joke and standing there smiling dumbly or (b) responding via lame, or non-sensical rejoinder, thus making the banter-initiator AND myself feel awkward. Moral of the story: don't banter with me.

I SO do NOT want to be that person that makes you think, when you see them (awkwardly) standing on the other side of a room at a party, "OMG, keep me AWAY from her tonight! She is SO socially awkward..."

Parties suck.