Greetings.

I logged on to blog and get tears/anger/resentment/frustration out of my system, but it turns out that they abated before I got here, because I was reading emails from Sop and Shanna...they made me smile (not the bit about Andrew's Japanese would-be girlfriend though!! haha) and realise that life does exist outside this occasional hell-hole that I exist in. Ok, so maybe hell-hole is a tiny bit over-dramatic...nothing-hole? Bordem-hole? Challenging-my-sanity-hole??

I will say this though. You know how some people are verbally-aggressive as opposed to passively-aggressive? I really wish that I was a bit more of the former and not so much of the latter. If someone gets angry at me (usually family members [my mum *grimace*]...no one really gets angry at me anymore...and if they do, there's not such a huge power imbalance that I feel) I usually just stand there and take it. Even if the accusations and totally groundless and stupid, I just take it and stand there not answering. I think I figured out earlier in life that if I did that enough, then my mum just talks until she eventually shuts up all by herself (not to mention that it's pointless arguing because there's just no way of arguing with the illogical). Anyway, just then, I was balancing my cranberry juice glass on the top of a machine that dispenses my sister's food, and I was looking at the bottle it's attached to to see if it needed replacing and, of course, knocked the glass over, bringing down my mum's wrath upon my head.

Now I admit it wasn't the smartest of things to do. But the fact that mum, two days ago spilled the exact same cranberry juice in the exact same place, coupled with the fact that I could have cleaned it up myself made her attacks on me ('You're so useless' [how TIRED AM I of hearing that!! ARGH! I DON'T CARE THAT SHE SAYS LATER THAT SHE DOESN'T MEAN IT....SO SO SO SO SO [insert word with the equivilent meaning of "GAY"...I can't think of one], 'If you can't be useful, at least don't create more work' [well, I would have taken care of it, had you not insisted on rushing from your sizzling wok to martyr yourself. BLOODY HELL!]) totally unfair.

And the worse thing is that I can't bring myself to voice any of these comebacks/assertions/spur of the moment feelings. While she yells at me, I'm silently voicing these thoughts in my head, but not one of them makes it to my mouth. Argh argh argh. I just wish for ONCE that I could just yell back (or at least voice myself!). It so unfair that I end up the punching bag because of my own silence and inabilty to make myself heard...get really annoyed at myself.

Goodness this has been a week of self-revelation! First I don't believe in myself enough. And now I'm too passive-aggressive for my own good. What next!?

In other news, I'm reading a book...a fiction book! It'll be my first one for a year! And it's a new book! I haven't had the pleasure of reading a new (in other words, I don't know what's going to happen!), fiction (i.e. not uni related!) book for aaaaages. And the funny thing is that I've actually owned this book for more than 5-6 years I'd say...I just bought it once and never read it (I think I tried to start, but I got stumped at the first few pages- blame it on lack of maturity!). I'm thinking I should have stock-piled more books like that- they were cheaper then...hmm. Anyway, the beauty of this book that it's historical fiction (one of my favourite genres) and it's LONG! About 5cm's thick, which means it'll last me more than a day (it's already lasted 2 days, and I'm only half way through!!)! Yay! It's called The Sunne in Splendour by Sharon Penman and chronicles the York/Lancaster period of English history...never knew much about that era, so I s'pose it's "educational" (heh) as well.

And finally, I express, once more for the record, my contempt at the boyfriend who sang "Tears in Heaven" (yes, the Eric Clapton number) for his girlfriend at her 21st. HELLO???? It's about a son who's died, it was hardly appropriate...just sentimental and without special meaning (well, to be fair, it might have had...I wasn't even there! But I'm hard pushed to figure out just what the meaning could have been....). Pleh. Barf.

Ok, down to dinner and to face my mother. O argh.

Cheerio!