Ever noticed how emotive and evocative music can be? I was just tinkling around on the piano in a minor key (C minor at that- three flats...go me! haha)...and after I was through, I felt so melancholic- my mood reflected the music. Same when I listen to Comfortable by John Mayer (or indeed- most JM songs- but particularly that one)...it's not like I particularly relate to the song, but the music is just so evocative. I guess that's the beauty of it all...

Ever contemplated the idea of the "ideal Christian woman"? For some reason, people that I've encountered from other churches have this concept (or have the concept thrust upon them) of the "ideal Christian woman" (ICW). I've never really contemplated this in my life- moreover, I don't think my friends and I have ever corporately contemplated it either. The way they talk (and this could be wrong- it's just the way it sounds/sounded) it's like these girls are constantly being measured by this ICW standard- and if they fall short...they're....not good enough? Not marriage material? Looked down upon? Not sure exactly, but there's some negative consequence that flows! (Perhaps some gentle readers could enlighten me on this aspect!) I'm not sure if people (or guys generally) do that at my church. I've never heard of such things. Or maybe I'm in the wrong place- maybe they do that more at Club O (young workers ministry) or in Blue Sky (though I might find that out sooner than later!)...either way, I've never felt like I'm being held to an ICW standard and I must confess that I find it a little bit strange. Even so, grrrr. Seems like someone is trying to force girls into a certain stereotype...argh! For me to just hear about stuff like this is frustrating enough. Grrr.

Ever woken up thinking something? As if the thought was so pressing that it woke you up. One memorable time that's happened to me is the day after I customised my thongs (at Fox, Roz and I did this DIY thong assembling/painting thing). I woke up that morning feeling really happy because my thongs were so pretty...rushed downstairs to where we keep our shoes at about 8 a.m. to admire them. Weird eh? Anyway, I got woken up this morning by a thought. To give you some context, I went to work yesterday just to say hello cause I saw one of my friends working there, and we were catching up. It turns out that she's landed a graduate HR job with this big, global recruiting firm that eeeeeveryone (not me though!) has heard of- from the sounds of things, she had to go through a really rigourous interview process, presentations, psychometric testing...and to top it all off she's on $50K! For a graduate...that's heaps! Now, she didn't do that well at uni (by that I mean she failed a few things), didn't get that good a UAI, and from what I've seen at work, gets stressed easily...so I woke up this morning thinking "How the HELL did she get that job????". I can't believe I woke up thinking that- I guess this revelation must really have affected me! Well, anyway, I'm now thinking about the answer to that question I woke up thinking about. As well as the implicit question: "If she can do it, why the HECK can't I??"

You know, I think it's all because of self-belief. I don't have very much of it these days. I think it died in year 12. And then uni has trampled on it even more. =(. Come back self-belief! Come baaaaaack!!! For example- in uni, most of the people I know (me included) have adopted this fatalistic attitude that we will not get summer clerkships (the key to all large corporate legal employment!), and hence, will be denied our key into the law firm loop. So why this lack of self-belief? I mean, I'm not stupid, I probably interview ok with some coaching and thought, and I have some extra-curriculars (but I have 6 months to work on that [crap, only 6 months!])...I think it's more about this: if you let yourself believe in yourself, then you're hoping that you can achieve something....and that means, putting yourself out there and making yourself vulnerable to failure and disappointment. Does that make sense? And because I'm scared of the pain that accompanies failure and disappointment, I just don't believe in myself anymore and I'm pretty much doomed to mediocrity (shut in a small, low achieving- but painless!- box) until I can find some way to get past this. You are forgiven for thinking that's pathetic. I think so too. =P. Sigh. But what to do??