Birthday Blues

Hi everyone...

I don't particularly want to rehash all the emotions from the last two days, but I feel that it's necessary for me to get this out on paper (or screen) and hence permanently out of my system!

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH. The argh of frustration and general angst. Hrrr.

Some well intentioned people (well, mainly one well intentioned chick) threw me a surprise 21st on Sunday. The night itself was quite good. Then when I went home and thought about it, I cried and cried and cried. You know when you have a certain idea of how you want something to be, and it doesn't turn out that way and all you're left with is a sense of disappointment, cause that's not the way it was supposed to be? I was gripped with that feeling.

It was at Hogsbreath Cafe in Bondi...a kinda tex-mex steak house. Not that there's anything wrong with Hogsbreath (my steak was very nicely done), but if you know me (which she doesn't really well, I'll get onto that later), that was NOT how I imagined my 21st. If anything, I would have been more likely to have a formal sit down dinner than a good ole' shindig at a steakhouse!

Sigh, see that's what I don't understand. Surely someone who had SOME INKLING OF MY PREFERENCES could have said something!! And if they didn't, then they shouldn't have been so presumptuous as to organise and then market the event as my official party! Argh!! It would have been ok had it just been a casual get together. BUT there were balloons. There were seating arrangements. My parents ended up paying for everything. ARRRRRRGH.

And it's not like I was planning on NOT having a bash. I had my ideas. I had my short list of locations and my guest list. (Of course, she wouldn't have known this BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T KNOW ME!!!! ARRRRRGH!!!!) And now all my ideas, and the satisfaction gained from planning a celebration for my friends and family are all pretty much down the toilet. (Unless I grow an extra layer of skin and throw myself another one. Pleh. Whoever thought of that!!?!?!) A surprise party would have been ok if I wasn't planning my own (albeit postponed because of circumstances, I'll get to that one too) and seriously didn't care. BUT I DID. Surely at this point in my life when I hardly have any choices, when everything is a have-to obligation, or something that must be endured, it isn't too much to ask to be able to HAVE MY 21st THE WAY I WANT IT!!

But, apparently it is.

And it was her that organised it. I just can't understand why (aside from her well-meaning intentions. Unfortunately, I'm too cynical to assume that that was all there is to it.) Was she trying to salvage a friendship?? Why would you assume to organise someone's surprise 21st when I (a) am not currently particularly good friends with her, (b) don't sit with her in class, (c) don't talk to her outside when I have to....??? A large large chunk of the reason that I feel this way now is because she had no idea of what I was planning, no idea of what I wanted. Talk about rushing in where angels fear to tread, grrrrr. Though I must admit that that maxim epitomises her.

The WORST part about all this is that I can't really talk about it without sounding ungrateful. (Haha, but you've seen the worst of me, so I suppose we are beyond that!) I really really really really appreciate the thought that everyone put into it (and it seems that she got everyone to do a little bit)(so there are only a few people that I can vent to, hrr)...I am so touched and humbled that they thought of me. But there's just this part of me that is thinking, did anyone actually think of me really? Or were they more worried about the gesture itself, rather than if I would actually like it or not?? I dunno, in my mind, the fact that they had good intentions, and the fact that I really did not appreciate the party are two separate issues. Bf got majorly pissed off at me because of this whole ungrateful spin...he doesn't seem to be able to separate the intentions from the execution of the intentions in his mind.

I just really didn't want to celebrate under these circumstances. I would have wanted to celebrate with people who weren't there- like all of you who read my blog (you would have known what I wanted, right?? hee). I would have wanted my whole whole family to be there. I would have liked some people who were there to (ahem) not have been there. I wanted to wait til my sister got up. I always thought that 21 was a big family occasion as well as everything else...of course she has to do a speech. Hello??? And I wanted to wait until she could!

I've said it before. The worst worst worst thing about this whole situation (obvious aside) are people's good intentions. If you have good intentions, do it the Asian way and just bring money unless you're damn sure you've pinned down the right way of acting on those intentions.

Hr. Perhaps I'm too sentimental. I probably set too great a store by these milestones. Sigh. I can't help thinking that I was robbed though.

***

In other news, I went to this Belgian Cafe thing last night with bf and this other notoriously quite coupley couple. The food was good (mmm, mussels!), but the funniest thing was what they gave us for our birthday...a set of key rings- you know, the ones where one person has one side of the heart and the other person has the other. So funny, we opened they up and were like..."omg, this is SO THEM!" hahhahahaa.