You know how sometimes you get afraid to voice thought you have because it somehow makes them more tangible...more consequential...more real?

I've had so many thoughts like that recently involving guilt and regret and my sister. It's horrible. And THE worst thing about it is that there's nothing I can do to make it better, to remedy past behaviour. I'm contemplating launching into all these thoughts now, but...I will cry for sure and on top of that, I'm still not sure if I want to give permanent voice to them. O well. Here goes.

I've just been such a terrible, horrible, selfish person towards her. Argh. I'm so ashamed. And so regretful and guilt-ridden. I can't remember if I told you about my mother telling me to spend more time with my sister and be more considerate because one day when she was gone I would regret not doing it...Well, that day has most definitely arrived.

Dan (her ex) was telling my mum the other day about how they were out at dinner one night when my parents were overseas and I was home alone. And Rae was insisting that they hurry home to bring me dinner (even though our fridge is always over-packed with food). So Dan said as much and they were arguing about it and my sister was stubbornly insisting that they go home and give me my dinner, so they did. And I don't remember the exact day, but I'm sure I would have had a really ungrateful response, like "Oh. Thanks." And that was just generally how my behavious towards her was for the most part of last year and yet she was still always thinking of me.

But I think the floodgates on this whole guilt and regret thing really opened when I remembered that it was going to be Father's Day soon (the thought dawned on me in the waiting room yesterday)...and Rae is the one who always organises the presents/cards/cakes (2 reasons for this: (1) She was always more mobile than me so it was more convinient for her to do it, (2) I am a lazy bum when it comes to presents). I know it doesn't seem like a big thing, but it's just the sort of thing that I'm used to depending on her for. (O geez, I'm sobbing now, hrrr.) And then that thought lead to things like the fact that she might not be around for my 21st bday (in a few weeks) or my graduation, or my wedding (not that it's on the cards in the near future or anything)...and it just SUCKS SO BADLY.

She is irreplaceable. There's no one else here that could fill her gap if she left. Not bf, not friends, not parents, not relo's.

The other day we were telling her that if she had to go to heaven that we would all be ok, and that she didn't have to worry about us, or hold on beyond her time for us. That if God said it was her time, then to go with a light heart without worrying about us. It was so so so painful. I had this big cry by her bed where I was saying sorry for being so selfish and saying all the things I should have said when she was still up and about. I really don't know what God is doing. I don't know whether He'll give her back to us....it really is up to God, because medically there isn't any hope (and we've been told that several times by the doctors). But, even though I told her to go if that's what God wants...I just hope with every fibre of my being that that is not what God wants and that in due time He'll restore her to us.

I feel like bargaining with God. "If you heal her, I will do X, Y and Z." But I learnt a long time ago that that kinda thing doesn't work. Hrm. Bible says that God doesn't test us beyond what we can bear...I wonder how much more I can bear! But I pray that God would do some serious faith increasing in me. And serious strengthening.

God, O God, O God...I'm looking to You. There's no one else I can possibly turn to that can make a difference. Perhaps that's all you really wanted in the first place...