Greetings and salutations.

Hrm. No change in the situation. A few more twitches, but doctors say it isn't enough and they're still looking for more movement. So pray people!

I have major selfishness issues. I don't know if all humans have this or whether I just have a particularly bad case of selfishness, but I'm trying to be less self-centred and it's really not sitting well on me! That's the thing about this whole situation. I think I've made it particularly hard on myself BECAUSE of my self-focussed-ness. Seriously, if I could make this NOT ABOUT ME, I would. Bf made up a cheer for me that went something like "Who is it about? NOT ME!", hee. I reckon a decent proportion of my crying is for me and generally self-pitying (though on the flip-side, the rest is probably for others...like my sister, like my parents. I really hate seeing them so cut up...)...imagine being able to save myself all those tears! Sigh.

But, I'm making inroads. Like today, I just wanted to be alone and go home....after seeing Rae and feeling terribly sad, but no, I waited around for the maiden aunts (the ones I mentioned yesterday...I'm quite proud of myself for thinking up the name "maiden aunts"...hahaha. Esp since they're mid 50's and 60's!!) who wanted a lift home and made polite conversation with them. Trying to think of others, trying to think of others, putting others before myself, putting others before myself!

This evening at dinner, Mum and Dad were relating to the maiden aunts the whole lead up to this summer when we found out about her illness. I started out really hungry, then after the whole story, I couldn't eat anymore. It sucks SO MUCH, I can't explain. It's not that I'm asking why...because I know God has His reasons (I was flicking through a book which was talking about God's omniscience and it was saying that God makes decisions about what to do and to allow based on his knowledge of EVERY SINGLE THING which will EVER bear upon your life...I don't have that kind of know-how...who am I to question??). But it's just that it really really sucks. The suffering- if not mine, of Rae....of my parents, of everyone that loves her so much. If God loves us so much then He must have a HECK of a time seeing all His kids ranting and railing at Him and shaking their fists and shouting "WHYYYYYYYY!!!". So God, I'm not asking why. And I'm not (really) ranting or railing. I know that You feel everything as accutely- even more so- than we do and that it hurts You. But, if You could deliver us all from this really soon. I think we'd all be very very grateful. But, of course...Your will be done.

I go into see her and it's just so awful. Like...not that it's particularly bloody or disturbing, because it's not. Just because...I don't know, it's so sad to see her like that. And so far, I haven't been able to last a day without shedding some tears (one of the nurses noticed and told me to relax!) and some times (poor bf experienced it) I just want to scream my little guts out.....hrrr

Ok being harrassed by the maiden aunts (one of them is sleeping in the computer room now....hrrr) so talk later.

Farewell.