Greetings earthlings!

I've got so much to tell you. (I believe that line concludes a certain book by John Marsden...)
(You know, I've started off this blog a bit too cheerily for my intended subject matter. O well.)

I went to a 21st of this chick that I barely know last night (at DAVIDSON of all places. Goodness. That place is truly in the middle of NOWHERE!!), and what struck me was the perfection of it all. The speeches (all FIVE of them) were engaging, funny and short (gasp!). The food was nice, the house was nice. But on top of this....the FAMILY was nice. O goodness, I would give a significant amount for a family like that!! It was the Brady's! Argh! Like....everyone loved each other (in an obviously demonstrative way). And everything was just so well thought-out and planned for her...e.g. her parents made her a book of her life, choronicling every year of her life with accompanying photos...it was just all so NICE. All so....un-asian. Why is it that Asian families leave so much to be desired? As Roz said last night, the way Asian parents show their love is by scolding the heck out of you...not exactly what I'd objectively term as loving behaviour. When I was leaving I was feeling incredibly wistful that my family wasn't like that. Sigh. When I have a family, I'd love it to be Brady-esque. But I'm quite resigned to the fact that we'll probably end up like any other Asian family...argh! Perish the thought! Which brings me to the other thing I wanted to blog about...

The other day (would have been Tuesday), I had a huge fight with my mother (actually, these things aren't fights in a mutual sense. They involve my mum yelling at me a lot and me being stoically silent, holding back tears.) when she prised out of me my sentiments on prayer (see Wednesday 16/7's entry). It was pretty ugly...I pray that I never say anything so hurtful to my kids...but yeah. Anywayz, I ended up emailling Gracia about the whole thing and she wrote me back a long email, and was talking to me today after service. *ARRRRRRGH. I am SO NOT what I EVER thought I was* (Ju, you're not the only one who is redefining their view of Em, hrrrr.) Do you think that everyone comes to this kind of epiphany? Or am I particularly deluded? I don't know, I don't know. I just wish I didn't have so many ISSUES!!! Arrrrrrrrrrgh.

She was saying to me that she felt that my life was being paralysed by fears...but fears of what? I don't think I even know now myself (though I'm sure with some work I could pin point them...). Part of it was revealed when I took my prayer-angst to God after the fight. And He basically said that the reason I didn't want to pray was because I didn't trust Him...I was afraid He'd let me down and so I didn't want to commit the situation to Him. And I can kind of see another part that's linked in with security...like I'm afraid to step out into certain risky things because consequences might threaten my security and comfort. Maybe that's been passed down to me from my parents, because I know that that is something that's a big part of their lives. Hmmm. O God, I don't want to be handicapped by fear...fear is gay! And yet the dealing with it...o so painful, and o so hard.

But if it must be done, so be it...