I hate crying!!

It just SO inconvenient...the red eyes, the snot, the tears, the sobbing, the nasty headache I get after a particularly bad episode. Ergh. And of late, I haven't even been crying in a way that you feel cleansed after...I think I've beeen crying out of sheer helplessness and overwhelmed-ness (what is the noun for overwhelmed??) with a dose of self-pity mixed in. Aiii.

The words that sprang to mind last night to describe my current situation were "lonely" and "broken". I was talking to bf...and I dunno. I suppose that's just the way he is...but he was so unsympathetic to my plight...so harsh...I just felt so alone. I mean, I'm not asking to be coddled or babied. But there was such little evidence of him understanding even a little bit of the pain I'm going through that it was just shattering.

He said to me "Why do you need me to understand anyway??".

Why do we need anyone to understand? I think it's because we don't want to believe that we are alone in the world. That someone has been there before us and knows what we're going through. I mean, why did Jesus come to the earth and live a human life before redeeming us all on the Cross? Surely it was so he could identify with us. To feel the gamut of emotion that is the human condition, so we could have a Saviour who was sympathetic to our struggles.

I like to be able to identify with people. To feel that they identify with me. So in that vein, I tried to get bf to think of a time when he was pained, sad, depressed...and after some consternation he thought of a time, but couldn't remember how he felt or anything else rather than "sad" (not the most helpful of adjectives). Sigh.

But anyway...it was very very lonely. So I cried and cried while it felt like my heart was breaking. How cliche that phrase is...but it felt like it. A raw and ripping pain in my insides. You know, I fluctuate between that raw, ripped up feeling and this dead numbness inside of me. You see, it's easier not to feel than to open yourself up to the whole range of emotion. And yet, just behind the wall of numbness is the raw, ripped up bit...just waiting to blow up in my face.

And while self-centered little old me sits here hacking away on the computer, my sister is going for an urgent scan tomorrow morning cause the neurosurgeon thinks that the tumour might have grown again. O God................I don't know any other way to deal with these things than to numb myself to them, but this method is increasingly not working.....