Arrrrrrrgh.

I had the startings of a new ditty (hehe) swirling round my head in the shower just then. It went something like

Floating in oblivion
Trying to get a sense
Of direction

Have you ever woken up in someone else's dream
Living out their life but Me is the central theme?
I can't do this anymore
But I can...

It feels like I'm falling, falling, falling
Captured by a downward pull
And no one can stop me, no one can, save me
And there's no floor to break my fall


Hrumph. O what un-Christian lyrics. And all of this was started off by a certain person.

I don't like her. And I'm not entirely sure why.

Actually, there are quite a few reasons why I don't like her. But none of them added up amount to a depth of feeling this big. I think if I was very honest (which of course I am being here on my blog, lovely readers) I'd say I was jealous. But then...why? And this is where I think I located my solution. I think it's because she's doing things I think I should be doing.

And now I have to back track and explain this...aiii.

When I left school and got to uni, I think I lost myself. At school I was a certain person (school friends can attest to this...comment away!)- driven, motivated, knew what I wanted, went all out to get it (e.g. I was really set on getting this scholarship and needed more school stuff on my resume so I embarked on a quest to be president of this do-good club...not that I particularly was committed to the cause or anything...but really, just so I could put it on my resume. And have a nice badge. Hee.). And I was good at everything I did, achieved highly, etc etc.

However, when I hit uni, that person disappeared, and what remains is merely...a shadow of my former self! Noooo! Hahahaha. No, really, I'm just not that person anymore. My marks are average. I do average kinds of things like go to uni then go home. I'm even pretty average at church. I'm just so average and colourless and it BUGS ME!! Actually let me clarify. It's not the average-ness and colourless-ness that bugs me. It's more that that is not who I thought I was. And it's really throwing me to be honest.

Now, linking that all back. While I'm here in this halfway kind of living, there she is, doing all the things that I once would have done, being (in part) the person that I thought I was! And I'm like...hey, what the heck happened????

And that is what is MOST irritating about this whole thing. To not really know myself anymore and to see someone else being who I thought I was. Hrrrr.