Again, taking a break from Options study.

Had a strange morning. Very strange. Involving sobbing and tears and anger and sorrow and puffy eyes and runny noses. My sobbing, my tears, my anger, my sorrow, my puffy eyes and my runny nose unfortunately.

And the worst thing is having to pull myself together and only JUST managing it, then everyone wondering why the hell my eyes are watering and my nose is runny.

"I've got a cold," I lie.

When you're hanging on to just a skerrick of composure, anything (ANYTHING- especially caring, concerned people) is gonna set me off again. So, like Josie says to her Principal in Looking for Alibrandi "I found it necessary to lie. I gambled and won." There's no way you can say "Oh, I had a really rough morning and I've been crying, don't worry about me!"....I'm a little appalled that my morals crumpled to the ground in the face of need. Eeeek.

I got in trouble for "answering back" (that is SUCH a stupid turn of phrase...if I never answered back, they would never get their answers!) to my dad. When my dad loses it, he LOSES it and I do get scared, despite my nonchalant exterior. And he really lost it over something very minor. He really doesn't deal with emotions well...eeergh. But anyway, that set off a torrent of nagging and "Why are you like that"-ing from my mother, which eventually reduced me to tears. And she thought it was because of exams. If it is, well...it's that unconscious stress Roz and I were talking about the other day because I would never cry over an exam! (Not beforehand at least!)

No, I think the retaining walls of my life are leaking. I just don't know how to deal with the stuff behind this particular wall. I really really don't. And it's kinda got me going in a cycle of guilt and shame...but I just don't know how to deal with it. God. Yes there's God. But...I don't know, He feels far away. Not that He doesn't care- because I know that He does. But just...I don't know. Sigh.

Behind the wall is something like this: It's something to do with my sister. I think I mentioned once or twice that I'm finding it really hard to deal with the whole brain tumour thing. I can't stand to look at her...it confronts me with how much she has changed. How fragile her life is. It's awful. The listless eyes, just sitting at home all day...not saying much, not doing much. So the way I cope with that, is limiting my interaction with her. I'm so ashamed that I do that that I could die! Even worse is that I find it boring to be with her. I am contemptuous (at least privately) of the way my parents baby her (the nightly massage, the blow drying of hair...). It's horrible. And I KNOW that these sentiments are horrible (hence the guilt). But, like I said, I don't know how to deal with it. [Haha, my mum just walked in and told me not to ignore my sister. Har.]

O crap, I don't know what's wrong with me. Surely this is not ordinary behaviour. Grrrrr.