Greetings...

Don't you find that there are some sentences (words...phrases...call them what you will) in books and stuff that just resonate within you for some strange reason?? Here's one: "A look travelled between them, sharp with regret. Time had passed and they had missed the place where their paths might have met." I just think it captures a certain sense of bittersweetness so well. And maybe I can identify somewhat...it kinda encapsulates the essence of "what might have been". Life's opportunity cost is simply staggering. Hum.

For example...had a post camp meeting last night with most of the leaders (argh, admin with 16 people, 5 of them who are particularly verbose is really a nightmare). And in talking about getting kids more involved in worship ministry, I discovered that for the first time in 7 years I won't have anything to do with the worship ministry. This is the same ministry that I've put a lot of time and energy into over the years....and I guess it really did cut me. I mean....I know these things are never really "ours"- they're God's- but still, it makes me sad because I realise that I actually love worship...and I love music...o well. I made the decision at the beginning of the year to step down from co-ordinating worship and concentrate on something else (minions!) which I felt God was calling me to as a pioneer- to get things off the ground, and to have a small continuing interest in worship. But nothing ever quite works out as you think they're going to, and I find myself missing what I was doing before. Perhaps I was using worship to fill a need in me for musical interaction...I don't know. I guess God is in control and He can use me where ever He wants me, and secondly, I made the decision so now I must cop it. But all the reasoning doesn't detract from the fact that I feel sad about it all.

"The more things change, the more they stay the same"...who thought of that piece of crap saying anyway?? How in the world is it true???

Actually, all this talking about stuff by way of ministry has really depressed me and I had a number of things I wanted to blog about, but now I just want to go to my room and cry. (No more crying in front of the comp screen- it's too pathetic for words!)

Why do I feel the need to justify what I feel? If there's anything in this world that CAN'T be justified, it's emotions. They just happen...how you feel is how you feel. I find I'm always going "I feel this way because....", but in the finding of a reason for the feeling, it's become as though if I can't find a reason then I have no right to feel that way. Hum. (I don't think this will make sense to anyone but me.) I think it's a symptom of the emotional side of me and the cognitive side of me not sitting very well together.

Have you ever wanted to feel like what you were doing counted for something? That what you were doing actually was making a difference and not redundant? I think I place too much of an emphasis on having what I'm doing counting for something (I'm sure that sentence was very very screwed grammatically...gay! That is what studying Latin does to you- you become conscious of all these things..argh!) and that leads to angst. E.g. they've started up this new "THING" (won't call it a ministry) which basically is doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing with minions. WHY should I be doing what I'm doing if someone else is already doing it??!?!?!? It just invalidates all I've tried to do (though admittedly I think I've experienced only limited success thus far). Grrr. And now that I've given up something that I realise now that I love doing for something that has become semi-redundant...IT SUCKS.

I want to matter.
I want to be significant.
I want what I'm doing to be of some consequence.

Sorry for the jumping train of thought...haha anyone would think I'm blogging for my own benefit and not for the benefit of my wider audience!! Heh.

bye all xx