hey there it is, I didn't lose it after all! Super! (Isn't that just the most inane word!!)

I find myself longing for the past recently. Strange. I wonder if it's because my memory is getting selective and is glossing over any crap that happened back then, leaving me only with good memories...or because those times were genuinely a more innocent and...I dunno. We were younger so things that we did didn't have as much consequence so we were free to enjoy ourselves. Am I the only person that gets these nostalgia pangs??

I miss school. I miss having my friends at close proximity. I miss my school friends. I miss people knowing me. I miss knowing them! I miss doing stuff like English and Latin. I miss the fact that I could do basically everything- that I felt that everything was within my grasp and not totally beyond me. I miss old times at church when things were a lot freer. Before everything with Mark happened....when we were so much more innocent. I miss the times we had without Kam and Gracia (no offence to them...I guess it's more what they represent and the way they come across than anything). I miss when kids were so much more innocent and not the angst filled specimens we have now- I miss the days when we could actually give them credit and they would deserve it. I miss the days when they used to appreciate things they did. I miss when Dave G, John, Paul and I used to lead worship. I miss when my bf used to be innocent, when he used to look up to me, when he respected my opinion and didn't ever shoot me down or discredit me. I miss (in some aspects) the pedastal days. I miss the honeymoon period. I miss summer of 2001 when he and Brendan and I used to hang out and talk about whatever. I miss the days when we were full of idealistic dreams for the ministry. I miss my sister being well and able to do normal things. I miss the times when we used to go shopping on Saturday mornings to Paddington markets. I miss the days when my bf used to pester me to hang out with him. I miss the times when I did subjects like QMA which were so butt easy I could get an HD in them. I miss the days when I was realistically aiming for something like a D instead of just wanting to pass. I miss when girl friends at church weren't such absolute nutters. I miss when I HAD a group of girlfriends at church.

I think I've pretty much covered the field there in terms of what I miss about time gone by. Life is so different now....so...pragmatic. So full of "have to's" and "musts" and stuff which require discipline. For some reason, people think of me as disciplined....it's not true! I don't know how people got that idea! Or how I manage to portray something which it essentially different from the truth!

"Oh if only my life was more like 1983..." sings John Mayer. I hear you! If only...things were so much simpler then.

My bf and I had what I term as a difficult conversation last night. Like...it's not a fight, it's just one of those really hard conversations, y'know? But yeah...I don't know how that resolved or if that resolved at all. But I think the conversation started because of one of my nostalgia pangs. Hmm. Out of all the things in my life, I think our relationship has been the most stable yet shifting things. Stable because we are just that: stable. But shifting because...I don't know, the dynamics, if you compare the very beginning of the relationship with the now are different like you wouldn't believe. Hmm. That's not to say it's not good, or that I'm unhappy (because I'm not!)- it's just different.

O I suppose this is all part of growing up. And really, what is the point of looking back and making myself sad? Mourning the past...hmmm.

til next time....