Static

Usually, I really enjoy meeting up with my school friends. For one, meetings with them are few and far between (I reckon...maybe 3-4 times a year? And that's in a good year!). For another, I consider these people some of my closest friends, who know me better than most people do (spending upwards of 6 years seeing each other for 5/7 days will do that for you!). So usually, getting together over dinner is heaps of fun.

Meeting up with them last night was disconcerting.

I can't exactly remember how it came up, but someone said to me, "Em, you peaked in year 6!" And at the time we were all laughing and everything...but when I had time to reflect on the evening, I had that comment ringing in my ears along with the knell of dismal failure. Firstly, think of the implications of the comment. Hello!? If you're past your peak, then it's only downwards from here on in. And to have reached your potential at 12 years of age...well, it's a long way down for the next 60 odd years. And secondly, to add to that whole thing, the whole clerkship angst was really fresh in my mind and I found out one of my friends had already had an interview for one - a firm I applied for also, which hadn't gotten back to me...(and I now presume wasn't gonna bother getting back to me...rude!)...and not that I begrudge her success (or anyone else for that matter), but more that it is really painful to see how people are growing and changing and how my life has just been pretty much static since I left school. It's very depressing to think about.

I miss high-achieving, successful, confident me. I miss believing in myself. I feel like I'm a shadow of who I was before, and I'm not sure who is the "real" me. Perhaps they are two facets of my character and I have to learn to reconcile them. I don't know.

I just pray that all this breaking...all this loss of my former self...is all part of God stripping away all the crap in my life and putting me back together the way He wants me.