At a loss

I know it must be bad for every kid, but I think I cope particularly badly when my parents fight.

Every so often, my parents have full blown fights. Not just disagreements, or when they get irritable/annoyed with each other, but full on screaming and yelling and threats to leave the country/each other and silent treatment etc. This happens maybe...2-5 times a year that I remember.

When I was little, I used to get really scared when they fought and I'd cry (sometimes, only to get in trouble from one or the other). When it happens now, I still feel like crying. One part of it is that I find myself overwhelmed by the feeling that there's really nothing I can do about it. Another part is that old fear I felt when I was a kid...I'm scared they'll fight until they break up (though I know that chances of that are highly unlikely). And another part is that now that my sister is gone, I feel really really caught in the middle, and just very alone and helpless (though now that I think about it, I don't remember where she was at any of the major confrontations my parents have had over the years).

I don't like being the "adult" in these situations (although that is what is expected of me - to be the calm and logical mediator). Especially when I still react the same way as I did when I was little.