Sorry all, I'm going to be angsty again =p

Do you think that the need to be "known" is part of the human condition?

Like I was saying a few blogs ago...I want people to acknowledge ME. Not their conception of me...but what I really am and who I really am (which I suppose are essentially the same). People say things about me to me and I'm like..."That is fairly far from the truth- where the HECK did you pick that up from??" E.g. I am confessing here that I have been negligent as a gg leader in generally caring for my kids (calling, praying etc)- and I am definitely ashamed of that. =( But, as ashamed as I am about that, I can't seem to change. (At GG last night Suzie was saying how my kids know that I love them...and I was thinking to myself "How in the world would they know that??")

Bloody hell, that's the WORST- to know that you're doing something wrong and being seemingly unable to make the slightest bit of difference about it.

The last few months of my life have been arguably the worst months of my life methinks. I seem to have been trapped (well, I feel trapped anyway) in this RUT of feeling generally quite crap about myself and being in a state of virtual paralysis as to doing something about it. I dunno if this is PMS or what (a proportion of it probably is, dunno how much though) but I just feel so dissatisfied with my life.

THINGS I AM ASHAMED OF THAT I DO (or don't do):
# Deficiencies in my Spiritual life: haven't been able to string together a weeks worth (or even 5 days' worth) of decent QTs.
# Deficiencies in ministry: as mentioned above
# Attitudes toward the following: My sister (and I am SO ashamed of myself there I could cry- I am resentful and frustrated...), uni (keep complaining when I KNOW that I should be happy and regard it as a blessing to be there), certain people (I admit that I can be bitchy and jealous for no real reason)

I don't know if that is an exhaustive list (O, actually, it's not. There's one thing else that I'm so so so incredibly ashamed of that I could never ever put it here. In fact, I don't know if I could admit to it to anyone else...), but it seriously feels like I'm stuck with this crap for the long term. I am so not free....but then....I know I should be free, cause I am a child of God. And in all honesty, that just makes it WORSE (like people giving me too much credit makes it worse) because I know that's who I should be, and yet am constantly reminded that I am NOT that, because I know me even if they don't.

If I had a dollar for everytime I sighed in the last few weeks I would be absolutely rolling in it.
My insides are so ripped up. I can be happy for moments...hours...days even (maybe that's why everyone thinks I am great!)...but when it's just me alone and unoccupied, I can't hide.

How am I going to get free? HOW am I going to remedy this situation?? I NEED RESCUING!! I can't do this on my own. That much I know. But my flesh is so weak...for God to rescue me I have to do too much. And I don't feel I am capable of doing what He needs me to do. Like...I know someone is going to say that all I need to do is cry out to Him or whatever. But AFTER that. AFTER the initial crying out. AFTER He bails me out. I'm supposed to do my QTs and stuff rite, and be generally a model Child of God, having been changed by my revelation of Him rite? But...I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I don't think that can be me. Record is very dodgy.

And so the battle has already been mostly lost. I shouldn't be shaping myself by the past. I should be looking into the future- seeing myself as God sees me.

ARGH!!! So many should's, have to's............................................................I can't even breathe properly. Feel choked up inside. I think the worst thing about this is that, following from the seeming inability to change....I am really disappointed in myself.

Can you believe that I've just typed that without shedding a tear? I think I might be desensitised. Not a good sign.

HELP.