A year ago today

(OMG!! Another Delta reference!! For goodness' sake, she's EVERYWHERE!! Even in my mind....=p)

One of the lovely things about having a blog is that you have a frozen-in-time (that phrase makes me think of Yorta Yorta...Legal System has scarred me for life!) snapshot of what your life was like at different intervals. Sort of like a written time capsule.

Anyway, in my procrastination, I took it upon myself to look at what I was blogging about in November 2003 (I would have made that a link, but you can click on the archive yourself!). It's funny- I was blogging about having almost zero motivation while studying for exams (somethings will never change I tells ya!) and Australian Idol! Hahahahahaa. Sounds o-so-familiar!!

If I compare this year to last year, 2004 has definitely been an emotional horizontal-coaster compared to 2003. I mean, sure there have been moments of crapness, this year, the moments of crapness have been oriented towards things like careers- which, if you think about it, is all very handleable, and not a scratch on the utter crapness of losing my sister.

I sometimes wonder whether anyone ever thinks about me and wonders how I'm doing having gone through that traumatic time last year. No one ever asks me about it! I suppose people just think I am ok- it's not that I give them a reason to believe otherwise. And I'm dealing with this much better than I could have thought I suppose. I mean...life goes on, and you just have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and do what you need to do. I try not to think about it from day to day too much (no point I find). But sometimes things take you by surprise- especially dreams. I can't remember if I blogged about it, but a few days before my birthday this year, I dreamt that my sister was suddenly alive again and we were lying on my bed talking as we did before she got sick, and I told her "Oh I'm really glad you're back, that's means you're going to be around for my birthday!"....and then she got up and gave me a hug and walked out of my room and I woke up. A few days ago I dreamt she was alive again and was coming into my room to raid my wardrobe for some stuff that I'd taken from her room after she passed away.

In some respects, it's hard to give voice to my emotions on the subject from day-to-day, because if I were to cry over it publicly, it would just start my parents off, and I find it very difficult to deal with their grief. My mum has told me a few times that it's a good thing that I'm "strong" (who knows what that means? Does it mean you don't cry?? You can still be strong and cry....aaanyway..) because if I wasn't it would make it much harder for her. Like I just alluded to, I don't know if I'm strong. I just think I've found a way of coping. And besides, I've always been good at keeping things in. Having said that though, in the privacy of my own room, I still cry at times when memories spring to mind.

Anyway, coming back to my original thought, this isn't a ploy to get you to ask about it!

If you ever wanted to know but didn't know how to ask: don't worry, I can totally understand how it would be really awkward. Thanks for the thought though! You can ask, by the way. I won't fall to pieces in tears in front of your face.

If you never wanted to know: that's ok too!