Is it telling that I've changed my template to the green one after yesterday's entry?? No, of course not! hehe

My boyfriend doesn't know the existence of this blog. Actually, he does- but doesn't know where it is. I was figuring that it'd be easier this way, but then he was tirading about how I was keeping things from him....which isn't really the case. Honestly I don't want him to get offended, or take things the wrong way when I post them here- I can just tell that it'd lead to pointless arguments and him getting sad and stuff. Sometimes I just want to vent...I may or may not be validated but I just want to be heard. In doing so, sometimes I say selfish things that I won't mean the next day- so for him to get hurt over stuff like that is absolutely pointless. If you're gonna get hurt over something, make sure it's worthwhile!!

All the past entries- and indeed the inception of this blog- have occured against the backdrop of family crisis. (Maybe that's why I started this- so I could get away from the whole situation and have myself and my thoughts heard!) My sister (only sister) was diagnosed with a brain tumour 2 weeks ago now.
**(Geez, it's been two weeks already. Feels like life has been on hold.)
**(I wonder why it's called a brain tumour. I mean...why not brain cancer? That's what it is isn't it? I dunno.)
**My whole family (well- most of it. My dad, uncles, cousins, aunties...) is medical. They talk and I feel so ignorant....WHY did I not do biology in high school!?!?!

(I've decided to put digressions into italics and mark them with a double asterisk. It's way to hard to follow my train of thought otherwise. But again, I digress!)
**Hey, that whole thing should have been in italics, huh? O well.

Surprisingly enough, it hasn't really been a rollercoaster ride of emotional turmoil as one might expect. I was really really depressed and just generally sad for the first two days- then I seemed to totally recover and regain composure, and the only time I shed tears again was when she was wheeled into surgery on Wednesday. This reaction could be the result of the following:
1) The peace of God in me.
2) Wearing off of shock after the initial seizure and diagnosis. I don't think I can ever forget the first seizure-fit thingy she had...on the couch in front of the TV. I can't help remembering it when I go to sit down. Really really scary.
3) Putting off any emotional reaction till later
4) Being totally selfish and self-centered and not thinking about it. I've been in a quandry about the morality of thinking or not-thinking about the whole situation. I was feeling guilty when I was hanging out at the hospital but not thinking about my sister and her predicament- instead I was reading the paper or trashy mags or books or whatever while my parents were praying their hearts out anf wringing their hands. Then someone told me that even if I WAS going to think about it, I coudn't really change anything anyway, so I might as well think on something else and make myself feel a bit better. Still. That strikes me as selfish. But then I've always had problems with the whole concept of selfishness, so I'll leave that for another time!

Anyway, I don't know the reason for my apparent calm, but she's coming home today after the operation (which most Doctors said would be way way way too risky and wouldn't have done it. Go Dr Charles Teo!).

I think I've been caught between concern for my sister (more than concern- but I can't think of a word) and my own desire for life to return to NORMAL.. NORMAL! Like...without the hospital visits and the email updating of friends and the phone calls from random people (ARGH- the PHONE CALLS....grrrrrr) (**The ironic thing is that Rae's close friends who I wouldn't mind chatting to about the situation are the considerate ones who never call and leave us alone. It's only the random Aunty Mary's of the world who call....sigh.**) and the constant spiro-ness. I'm not even going to get into the spiro-ness (spiro = spiritual) cause I can't quite work out why I feel this way and I'm a bit afraid the reason behind my resentment of the spiro-ness won't be sanctioned Christian behaviour. So yeah.

Why is it that after I write here that my thoughts- though out on a page of sorts- seem more tangled? Hmm. I think it's just the subject matter that I'm bloggin about. I'm not sure if it will EVER untangle. O well.

Cheers.